Journal Entry 003 | My Spiritual Meltdown

SALVAJE | Wild Woman Retreat: Patchamama Retreat Center, Baja Mexico | February ‘23

This past February I facilitated my first Spiritual Retreat in Baja, Mexico called Salvaje. It was beautiful, messy, hard, rewarding and tested me emotionally, physically and spiritually to my fullest capacity. 

Let me just rewind to 8 months ago, when my friend Carmen first approached me with the idea, as she knew I was on my own path of healing while training to become an intuitive business coach.

I wanted to host gatherings, workshops, women’s circles and retreats to bring women together, especially creative entrepreneurs because I have a deep understanding that when women connect, share and heal on a conscious level , their lives evolve and prosper in the most unexpected, beautiful ways. It becomes a domino effect that I felt called to facilitate and much as I love design, I craved the feeling of being in community with conscious, like minded women. 

So the journey began and for 8 months myself, carmen and two other beautiful souls, Samatha and Mona, came together and brought this wild idea to life. Let me be very clear, the level of work it required was a labour of love - but that seems to be the theme of my life.

Finally the day came when I had to fly from Italy to Mexico, a breezy 22hr flight. This is why europeans do not go to Mexico. Let’s just say, I will never, ever do that again. My first spiritual test came as soon as I arrived. My luggage had disappeared and they had no idea where it was, but of course told me it would be here the next day. I have traveled ALOT and let me tell you, this is the first time this has ever happened to me. Coincidence? I think not. 

Spiritual Test #1: Surrender

This would have been fine - except I literally had nothing on me. Nothing. Only a purse with more nothing inside. Yet, I arrived and I was safe and I will breath because everything will work out, right? Right?! Also, Baja California around February is not exactly super warm, it’s actually quite cold at night. This the land of ponchos and cowboy boots, which are hyper appropriate for this land of cactus and desert. My only possessions were a dirty pair of tights, one stained tank top and a very smelly sweater. Underwear and socks became optional, because after 22 hours of travel you do not want that on your body.

I can’t remember what day it was while going back and forth about my luggage with the airline and preparing for this retreat, that I had a small, emotional breakdown. My nervous system was just shot. I was still jet lagged, did not keep up with my daily spiritual practices and felt cold and uncomfortable most of the time - yet I tired to put on a brave face for my retreat sisters who tried there best to accommodate. 

Five whole long, smelly and frustrating days went by before they located my luggage. They found it in Chile and sent it to me on the second day of the retreat. I wondered why this happened and the only memory I have of that morning is I surrendered. 

Surrendered to my appearance and not “looking” the role of a retreat facilitator that I had in my head. Surrendered to just being of service to others, no matter my condition. Surrendered to what I could control and release what I could not. To say this experience humbled me to the ground, is an understatement. 

The retreat began and it was heavenly. It was 22 women from all over the world who came together to connect, share and evolve under the desert sun. Life was good. My role over the 5 days was to facilitate the daily workshops from 11 - 1pm and dive deeper into ourselves and share our stories. The workshops moved from Inner-child work, the subconscious and all the way to what it means to be truly free. Lots of tears, lots of revelations and lots of good stories. 

Spiritual Test #2:  Stay True

What no one tells you about hosting these retreats is the level of energy it requires to be on and professional for 5-6 days straight. As a Projector, I’m not known to have consistently high energy levels, I move in waves or spurts if you will, so this was tough for me to push through. Yet, one thing I learned quickly to conserve energy, was do not perform. 

The idea of Performing for people to pretend to be something you naturally aren’t requires more energy than just being yourself. Seems obvious yes, but then how should I behave?

Just like myself.  

I am enthusiastic. I am assertive.  I can be very flighty. I am funny. I am moody. but I am kind. This is me. My full spectrum and I accepted myself whole and refused to shame any parts of me that did not conform to these ideas we have in our heads of what is professional from societies expectations. 

I know who I am and I know what I have to offer. That’s enough.

Spiritual Test #3:  Become less to become more. 

After the retreat was over and we all said our goodbyes I felt good that everything went well and all the women seemed truly transformed and joyful. Yet, I personally felt a bit.. off, a bit confused. 

We tend to believe that as we become who we dream of becoming we will finally feel a sense of peace and achievement. I wish this was true. To realize that we never needed to become anything more than what we were but instead strip away all the masks that no longer serve us and accept our authentic selves.  

This realization left me feeling raw, empty and a bit vulnerable.

A deep reminder that we are not as in control as we thought. 

Another layer of the illusion shed. 

Another ego death to humble me further. 

We are not what we do but how we do it. 

I will continue to be the student and the teacher.

Deep gratitude to the experience and all the lessons in-between.

Life is perfect.

Stay wild.

J x